Another striking line from the book discusses how we choose to show up for our loved ones. “You get to choose what kind of friend, loved one, or family member you get to be.” This encapsulates the shift from trying to control others to taking ownership of your own actions and emotions. When you stop trying to manage the choices of your family, you’re making a profound decision to honor their agency.
Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught “God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become.” (Free Forever, to Act for Themselves, October 2014) If our Heavenly Father respects our agency enough to let us stumble and learn, we must strive to do the same for those we love. Allowing our family members to experience their own struggles and consequences is not an act of abandonment. It is a profound way to honor the divine gift of their agency.
This shift requires a deep well of love. It brings to mind the definition of charity found in Moroni 7:45, which states that charity “seeketh not her own” and “is not easily provoked.” Applying the Let Them Theory is ultimately an act of charity. It means we stop seeking our own desired outcomes for the people around me. Instead, we choose to love them exactly where they are, without being easily provoked when their choices do not align with my preferences. Which I admit, is easier said than done!
When we stop demanding specific outcomes from our family & friends, we free ourselves from the emotional captivity of unmet expectations. I want to be entirely clear, as I’ve already stated, this shift is not easy. Rewiring years of habitual reactions and letting go of deeply ingrained expectations requires constant and deliberate effort. It can feel unnatural at first. However, while it is incredibly difficult, it is certainly possible. It is a daily practice that leads to genuine freedom and peace.