I have spent more time than I care to admit trying to manage the complex dynamics within my own extended family. Whether it is navigating tensions with siblings or trying to smooth over misunderstandings with in-laws, the mental load of attempting to keep the peace can be exhausting. I’ve poured my energy into fixing situations that were fundamentally outside my control, and in most cases the only real result was my own emotional depletion.
Recently, I completed The Let Them Theory as a part of a Book Club. Among the many takeaways there was this profound insight: “Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.” That single sentence completely captured the frustration I was experiencing. The anxiety and frustration were not coming from my family members; they were coming from my desire to influence the situation. I realized that my desire to influence was really just a mask for trying to control the uncontrollable.
Recognizing this mask was a definitive step in my personal process of putting off the natural man. When I looked at this through a spiritual lens, I saw that this overwhelming urge to manage other people is a defining characteristic of our fallen nature. Let us analyze how King Benjamin addressed this topic in Mosiah 3:19. He declared, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man…” Yielding to the Holy Spirit requires us to abandon our personal desires for worldly control and surrender our will to God.
This surrender shifts focus inward. It moves from the exhausting work of trying to change others to the empowering work of changing oneself. This is the ‘Let Me’ side of the equation. President Russell M. Nelson beautifully summarized this perspective when he taught, “The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” [Joy and Spiritual Survival, October 2016]
Over the next four posts, I am going to explore exactly how to shift that focus. I will dive into bridling passions for internal peace, respecting the agency of loved ones, taking personal ownership of responses, and allowing the Savior to heal me through my deliberate choices.